Self-kindness. We’re sometimes taught that being accepting and understanding toward ourselves is selfish or narcissistic, but think about it: if a friend made a mistake, would you constantly remind them of how horrible they are, or would you try to be understanding of their error? Extend yourself the same kindness you would to others. Common humanity. It can be easy to believe you’re the only one capable of imperfections and guilt, but making errors and experiencing pain are part of what makes us human. Understanding that you’re not the only person to make mistakes or feel hurt can help you feel more connected to those around you. Mindfulness. Mindfulness has a lot in common with meditation: it’s the idea of recognizing and accepting an experience, without judgment, as you experience it. For example, if you frequently have the thought, “I’m so unattractive, nobody will love me,” a mindfulness approach might be something like, “I’m experiencing the feeling that I’m unattractive. This is just one of many feelings that I will have today. ” Recognizing when you are having negative thoughts will help you move your thoughts elsewhere.
Self-pity is different from self-compassion. Self-pity is the feeling of “poor me” that you may experience when things don’t go your way; for example, “My colleague got more of the credit for our project than I did. Nothing ever works out for me. ” Self-pity focuses only on your problems and often creates feelings of inadequacy. A self-compassionate thought might be, “My colleague and I worked hard on that project, and I feel that I did a good job. I can’t control how others respond to our work. ” Self-compassion isn’t laziness. Accepting yourself doesn’t mean that you don’t want to improve yourself. It just means that you won’t be cruel to yourself when you make mistakes. Practicing expressing love for yourself also helps you express it to others. Beating yourself up is not the same as accepting responsibility for your mistakes. A self-compassionate person can still own up to mistakes they make without feeling that he or she is a terrible person. Research has shown that self-compassionate people are actually more likely to attempt self-improvement. [2] X Research source
Psychology research has shown that self-esteem is not a reliable indicator of success or even capability. Sometimes, it’s the most confident people who know the least about a situation. [4] X Research source
Try to be aware of your thoughts and feelings about yourself. Sometimes shame manifests itself as feeling that you don’t deserve love. Sometimes it presents itself as a fear that if we reveal our true selves, the other person will leave us. These feelings are common, but they are also very damaging. Try affirming to yourself that you do deserve love.
Point out your strengths to yourself. We’re used to making lists of failures, and humans tend to remember negative events and emotions more clearly than positive ones. [7] X Research source Take some time each day to write down something positive about yourself. It doesn’t matter so much if you believe it at first. Make a habit of thinking about yourself in positive terms, and you’ll probably become less resistant to believing them. Depersonalize your failures. It can be easy to think “I’m a failure” if you haven’t succeeded at something, but that kind of totalizing thinking devalues you and promotes feelings of shame. Instead, try thinking something like, “I didn’t succeed at _____, but I did the best I could. ” Remind yourself that you’re human. Perfectionism can have devastating consequences on the way we view ourselves. Try looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself: “I am a human being. Human beings are not perfect, and neither am I. That is okay. ”
Instead, accept that whatever happened happened, apologize for it if you can, and come up with a plan of what you will do differently in the future. Accepting your mistakes doesn’t mean pretending they didn’t happen. It doesn’t even mean not feeling bad that they happened. Taking responsibility for your actions acknowledges the mistakes, but focusing on what you can learn from them and how you can avoid them in the future transforms guilt into growth.
Some people are naturally more reserved than others. Don’t confuse emotional reserve with inability to accept or express love. If you have previously been in relationships that ended badly, or if you were in a relationship with someone who didn’t offer you the same love and trust that you offered them, it can be hard to think about accepting love again. It is natural for survivors of abuse to experience an inability to trust others. Trust is a difficult thing to re-learn, so take your time. Don’t feel guilty because you have trouble trusting people.
For example, much of what drives a classic “fear of commitment” is the fear of being vulnerable and then being hurt. This often stems from a history of past experiences. [10] X Research source You can practice accepting vulnerability incrementally. Start with small gestures – greeting a coworker, saying hello to a neighbor – and accept that they may not be returned and that this is okay. You just need to practice putting yourself forward.
For example, accepting an offer to go out for coffee with a coworker may represent a fairly low level of vulnerability for some people, but a high level for others. Deciding to try healing a friendship that fell apart represents a very high level of vulnerability. You may need to start with small steps at first. That’s okay. You can build up to accepting greater levels of vulnerability as you become more comfortable with accepting love.
That said, however, a true friend will do their best to steer you away from destructive behavior. Be careful not to confuse “my friends love me just the way I am” with “my friends let me get away with anything”.
The other person should respect the boundaries you set. People who routinely ignore or reject your requests may not be genuinely interested in your feelings.
A common abusive tactic is to make love conditional based on something that you do. This can manifest as manipulations such as “If you really loved me you would…. ” or “I love you, but…” Another abusive tactic is to threaten the withdrawal of love to get a desired behavior; for example, “If you don’t do ____, I won’t love you anymore. ” Abusers may also play on your own insecurities to convince you to obey them, such as telling you that “nobody will love you the way I do” or “nobody will want you if I leave you. ” If you experience any of these in your relationship, consider seeking counseling or other assistance. Emotional abuse is not normal, and you don’t deserve it.
