Instead of thinking of what should have or could have been, focus on what is and what can be. Imagine your future without children. Make plans for yourself that revolve around not having kids. Envision your plans coming to fruition and you being happy in those plans. Remove painful reminders from sight. If you have baby items that you acquired in the hopes of having a baby, pack them away or give them to someone who will use them.
Denial. You may be in disbelief, and mentally unwilling to accept the reality of not having kids. Despair. This is perhaps the most easily identifiable stage of grief, and is characterized by general symptoms of depression. Remorse. You may begin to question or blame yourself for not having children, and this can lead to unnecessary guilt. Anger. The anger associated with grief is not necessarily aimed at a person or a thing, but rather at the circumstance itself. Fear. When the reality of involuntary childlessness sets in, it may cause a sense of panic or anxiety. Physical grief. The physical symptoms of grief include insomnia, irregular appetite changes, headaches, unexplained body aches, nausea and fatigue.
Mental health professionals. Find a therapist or counselor whom you feel comfortable with if you feel that you are experiencing obstacles to overcoming uncomfortable emotions. Support groups. Search online and in your local newspapers for support groups for the involuntarily childless. Connecting with other people who share your experience can be a great source of comfort. Religious organizations. If you belong to a church or other religious institution, then you may be able to receive free counseling from someone you already know and trust. Family and friends. Expressing what you are going through to people who love and care about you can be a healthy way of dealing with the grief of not having children.
Help friends and family members with their children. Babysit for your best friend, or spend time at your brother’s house playing with and caring for his children. The children will enjoy playing with you, and the adults will be thankful for the extra help. Consider volunteering at a place where you can work with children. Try becoming an aide, teaching underprivileged children, volunteering for church programs, coming as a guest to schools (e. g. to talk about your job), or working with disabled children. Take a job in which you will be expected to work with children.
If you want children but have an unwilling partner, the decision to not have children can put a great deal of stress on the relationship. It may be difficult to avoid withholding resentment toward your partner, and you will need to rebuild the relationship once you learn to cope with not having children. Work through relationship issues with the help of a couples therapist. Keep communication clear with your partner. Tell them that having kids is very important to you, and ask why they don’t want kids. Then listen carefully. Try to find some middle ground: would they be okay with having kids in five years? What about deciding to wait, and to discuss it again a few years from now? Try to find a solution that can satisfy you both. In order to accept not having kids due to infertility, it is important that you not place blame on yourself or your partner. Take time to recover physically and emotionally from any medical treatments you and/or your partner may have endured and recognize that the stress from those treatments is likely complicating your ability to cope with not having children.
