Your parents may have grown up in a culture with different beliefs. Perhaps, for example, your father’s father was very strict. Your father may feel pressure to be a “good parent” coming from his father, causing him to not understand your need for freedom or autonomy. Your parents lack of understanding may also be caused by outside factors unrelated to you. If your mother does not always have time to listen to the problems you’re having with your social group at school, think about what she’s going through. Is your mother busy? Is she stressed at work or experiencing difficulties with her family? Outside factors may be blocking your mother’s ability to understand you.
Listen in every day conversations. Even if your parents are just ranting about work or a co-worker, what they’re saying can lead to insight on their values, strengths, and weaknesses. When your parents are talking to you, give them your full attention. Also, watch body language. Body language can convey a hidden meaning to what someone is saying. For example, your father fidgets a lot and hunches over when he tells you he doesn’t want you going to the dance without a chaperone. His body language indicates he’s nervous. You may assume he does not understand how much the dance means to you. However, he may merely be an anxious person by nature and his concern for your well-being is overriding his ability to empathize with your needs as a teenager.
Imagine what your parents may have felt when they tell you about an experience they have had. For example, say your mom tells you about a friend she had as a child who got involved with a bad crowd and eventually dropped out of high school. Imagine how your may feel about this. Perhaps she’s scared of the same thing happening to you. Ask questions to make sure you’re understanding your parents’ feelings. For example, “How did losing touch with Shannon make you feel? You must have been scared. Do you have any regrets?” Try to see how these feelings influence behavior. Maybe your mom is strict with you because of her bad experience with Shannon. Her desire to protect you may be interfering with her ability to understand your need for freedom and autonomy.
Explore movies and books by theme. At your library, the online card catalogue may help you search for books by topic. You could type in something like, “Parent/child relationships. " On video streaming sites like Netflix, videos may be tagged with similar topics. Ask your friends, teachers, and a local librarian for recommendations. As your watch or read, consider what the characters are experiencing and feeling. See if you can make any connections between these stories and your own life. How do the characters deal with their parents not understanding? Are there any coping skills you can adopt yourself?
Your parents may say things like, “These are the rules in this house and that’s it. " You may think your parents are dismissing your perspective. However, they may simply not want to explain certain dangers to you. Your parents were young once as well, and probably do understand, at least to a degree, some of your frustrations with them. As parents, though, their need to protect you comes first.
Think about how your parents talk to you. Do they criticize you in a very intense way, using foul language to put you down? Do they constantly belittle your feelings when you express your opinion or feelings? Your parents may use terms like “worthless” to describe you or refer to you as a “mistake. " Your parents may say, “You’re being too sensitive” if you get upset at the way they talk to you, for example. Your parents may also abuse you via neglect. They may, for example, fail to make sure basic needs, like food, shelter, and safety, are met. Your parents may also expose you to violence, or threaten violence. They may threaten to harm you in a physical way, or threaten a household pet, when they’re angry. Emotional abuse is a problem greater than a simple lack of understanding. If you are being emotionally abused, you should seek the help of other adults to help address the situation.
Pick the right time to talk. Remember that life is busy for adults, so make sure you know your parents’ schedules. Think about when your parents are usually free. For example, maybe one or both of your parents are occupied on most weekday nights, but everyone tends to be home on Saturdays. Choose a location where everyone is comfortable and one that is free from outside distractions. For example, the living room may be a bad option if it contains the TV. Instead, opt to sit around around the kitchen table and talk.
It can help to write it out. Take a piece of paper and jot down the issue you’re having. For example, “Mom and Dad won’t let me go to a slumber party until I’m 12, so I’m missing my best friend’s birthday. " Now that you’ve identified your problem, write down your feelings. How and why do you feel you’re being misunderstood? For example, “I feel like my parents don’t understand how much Sophie means to me. I want to be a good friend and go to her party. "
Be clear, direct, and honest with your parents about how you feel. There is no sense withholding any information as you’re striving to be understood. For example, state something like, “I feel sad that I can’t go to Sophie’s party. It’s important for me to be a good friend to her, and I feel like you don’t understand that. " As you talk, try to understand your parents’ point of view. Why might your parents not want you to attend this party? Do they have any good reasons?
There may be room for compromise in some situations. For example, your parents may agree you can attend your friend’s party, as long as you don’t sleepover. However, compromise is not possible in all situations. If you and your parents can’t find a way to meet each other halfway, you’ll need to agree to disagree. Remember, you’re your own person. You have a set of thoughts, values, and opinions that will not always align with your parents. You can follow your parents’ rules, especially if you are still living at home, but keep in mind you do not have to agree with them. It’s okay to have differences of opinions between yourself and your parents.
Write down a list of your strengths. This can help you affirm your talents and social skills. Include personality strengths, like “I’m a kind person” or “I’m funny” as well as talents or skills. For example, “I’m really good at math. " Your parents may not value all your strengths, which is why it’s important you value them. If your parents do not understand you, they may not understand why some of your interests and passions constitute strengths. It’s important you believe this yourself.
Friends can also help if you’re having difficulty with your parents. Talking to someone outside the situation can help you cope. Your friends may also have some insight on how to deal with parents who do not understand. [15] X Research source
Do not be ashamed of your weaknesses or flaws. Everyone has imperfections. Instead of focusing on them, try to pay attention to how your strengths balance out such imperfections. Think about how you’ve overcome certain weaknesses, or at least worked within the confines of your flaws. For example, say you get a “B” on a chemistry test. Do not think, “I should have done better. I wish I was smarter. " Instead, think, “I know chemistry isn’t my best subject. I’m proud I studied and brought up my grade from the last test. "
Talk to another adult, such as another relative or the parent of a friend. You can also talk to someone at your school, like a school counselor. You and your parents may need to see a therapist together. It’s important your parents recognize negative habits and learn to treat you better as a person.
